Bravery
I've been in New York for a year now
It’s been a while since I last wrote here and admittedly the main reason for that is whenever I sit down to write these emails I am forced to face the weight of my own perfectionism and self-critiques. I recently read another newsletter I am subscribed to (Hot Sad, Hot Hungry by Nina Montagne) where the writer posited that it may be part of the creative process to share imperfect work. I am trying to hold this spirit with me now as I put down these words to you all.
I was recently speaking to my therapist and she told me that she thinks I am brave. I was already crying at this point and paused to ask her how I could possibly be brave when I felt so afraid all the time. She told me that she remembered looking in the dictionary one day and noticing that the definition of brave has the word “fear” in it. Bravery isn’t so much about not having fear as it is about seeing fear and not running away from it. Of course, this made me cry even harder.
I’ve been living in New York now for over a year, a fact I still forget every day. When I was younger, I used to ask my mom if we could go to visit there because I had never been, and I had seen so many movies and heard songs about how exciting and unique a place it was. We never had the right time or money to do so, and the first time I came here was when I was 18 as a summer camp counselor with 40 Japanese kids. We were showing them the city as part of a cultural tour, yet for this part, I was as much of a participant as they were. I remember looking out the bus windows with them, my heart fluttering when I could see the buildings coming into view. Now, that visit was only a few days and it was packed with insanity so it was just the surface of the place and my mind was mostly occupied with not losing anyone in the rush of crowds as we went from stop to stop.
The next time I came to visit was to see my friend Holly, who had moved to Manhattan a few months before. Every morning, we would get up early, get coffee, and go walk to Central Park. We would pass by smelly plumes of steam coming out of the ground and she would joke that it was a free facial from the city. Even in all of the grime, everything felt so alive to me. After that trip, I would hold small hopes inside wishing I could move there and be brave like her to go and be a part of it all. Yet, whenever people would ask, the fear would occupy my brain and I would claim it was too loud, too crazy, not for me. In the meantime, I met a partner who also had dreams of moving there, and that led to me finally taking the leap. I remember the day I rode the train up from Virginia, with a comical amount of bags and tearful hugs from my parents. Every day when I wake up and walk around my neighborhood and see the skyline peeking between the blocks, my heart flutters like it did that day on the bus.
This morning, I walked through the park on my way to drop off my compost at the farmers’ market like I do every weekend. I saw people dancing to their music as they rode bikes, kids playing together in the grass, and couples picking out the best apples from the stands together. The sun and the air felt so perfect and although I was feeling sad and grappling with all the changes my life has gone through, I couldn't help but smile at it all happening around me. I am here and I have gained and lost so much over just this year. The relationship that brought me here has ended, but I’ve also formed friendships and found communities that are just beginning or reviving in my life. I have been afraid of all these changes, but they have come and gone in stride. I am still here and I am joyful, and most of all I am brave.
This advice isn’t unique in any way, but you should consider buying yourself flowers if you haven’t in a while. I do and it never fails to make me feel happy that I can fill my home with beautiful things.
Alongside flowers, another thing I can’t recommend enough is joining a community garden if you have the ability to do so. I love mine and every time I am there I feel so much peace and meet the kindest people. If you don’t have a community garden nearby, perhaps find one to walk in or even start your own! Gardens are healing places.
Some views of my garden from this past spring. It's so cute! Go to a bathhouse, spa, or even just take a nice hot bath. I went to one recently with my friends and had the best time. The spa we went to had multiple hot and cold rooms and pools and we tried it all. I was even rubbed all over using birch branches in a Banya which was fun and silly and a story for another time. When I got home I took the coziest nap of my recent memory.
You are brave and I am glad someone reminded you!